When you start doubting what you want in life, you realize u miss all the different paths you could actually have in your life.
Right now the path i stepped forward to, is not exactly what i wished for but what i initially wanted. I fear my choice and i fear my regrets. I honestly do not hate what i’m doing or rather i like what I’m doing and not love what I’m doing. Well get it? Like and not Love?
I always tell my friends not to live in regrets and that you live your life only once. So live it and be it.
Couple of days back, the workload has almost killed me. I really hated it. I started questioning my own passion for the job and i started asking what deep shit have i thrown myself in.
You do what you need to do, you dedicate your life to doing what needed to be done and sometimes you realize what needed to be done is not how others want it to be done. I almost smoke myself and drank myself to death on that friday if not for my men or friends there by me.
I hate relying on people for help. I hate letting others see my weak side. I don’t like winning because i hate being the centre of attraction. If you know me long enough you know i rarely use the word hate because its just too strong a word.
So on that particular day, when i texted my men that i needed a drink, i sat by the river waiting for them. I started going stick by stick, and thinking to myself why i’m tired of what I’m doing and what i have done wrong to get accused for. The answer always come back to i know I’m doing my 101% and I’m doing what needed to be done at that time. There is simply no appreciation and purely task-oriented in the organization.
Slowly i started realizing I’m a baton and I’m only passed around when someone needs it. I became a want and not a need. The self esteem of mine is going down but I’m living it positively everyday telling myself i can’t give up yet because right behind me i have 20 odd plus people waiting for me to lead and support. If i can’t stay positive how can i tell or advise them to stay positive. I call myself a lucky bastard for having them.
Contradicting but true, I always thought i wasn’t cut out to be an officer and all i wanted was a specialist job but I’m doing ok. Not awesome or fantastic but ok.
A good friend of mine always say I’m everybody friends but nobody friends. See I’m not a priority among friends but a good influence among most. So one of my exs commented that Jon you do realize that every time you planned something most people will turned up your just that good at influencing but you also realized that not many people asked you out unless they actually needed you to be there. That is sad but true and as time pass by i realize the problem lies purely with me. I realize when people start asking me out i will give millions of excuse to why I’m not free when I’m actually doing nothing. I fear boredom and Amanda will alway says that its hard to keep Jon entertain long enough for him to leave. Im such a jerk and thanks God i don’t have many close friends just acquaintances.
I always thought my bff was my bff till i realize she can’t possibly commit her life for me, not always but most of her time. She has her life to go on with and her peers and family. I wonder how much she knows about me and how much she really wants to hang out with me but I’m glad i have her in my life. She’s really a joy to have around most of the time.
Im tired though, from work and from my friends and i actually wished i was closer to my family where we are not that strangers most of the time. I don’t really know what going on in my brother mind because we never actually quarreled or argue. i suck big time.
i missed the time where ZiHigh was ZiHigh and we were so closed but good things don’t last and everyone grows up and slowly move on with life. I realized slowly that even good friends drift like Jingyi. Amusing but we don’t talk anymore and my small little things don’t actually impressed her anymore. Jon: ” Hey Happy Birthday :D” and Jingyi: ” OMG you actually remembered.” Jon:” :( “
….Im tired…..
